Hey, this is Heather Aubrey Lloyd. 11 days remain in 2017, the year that I put out my solo CD, "A Message in the Mess," also happens to have 11 songs on it. So every day I'm going to count down the songs one by one, giving you a little bit of backstory on each of them. Today, it's Track 11, "Phantom."
I’ve been a lot of things in my life: a journalist, a camp counselor, a side man for Dar Williams, a fitting room attendant at Target, and a teacher. A day job often supports your art in more ways than one. Songwriters shouldn’t know only about songwriting. You need new people, new stories and new experiences to keep you and your writing from becoming too mired in yourself, and losing touch with the real world.
Nothing is more real than losing an arm at 17 years old, and I might never have learned about all the nuances of phantom pain if one of my students hadn’t decided to show me his scar.
**first verse**
One day, due to some testing, Robert was the only one in the English class I was subbing. “Miss Lloyd?” he said. “Do you want to see my scar?”
I had been a journalist. All information had value to me. Of course, I wanted to see. And as a substitute who was developing a love of special education, I also knew this was an important moment for him: He was opening up, normalizing his situation. This is how you eradicate shame. He stretched the neck of his white t-shirt.
Tomatoes split most often just as they're ripening. They grow faster than the outer skin is able to, but they also have the ability to sew themselves back together. In the end, they look unusual, but are still good. His shoulder looked exactly like that. He’d taken a turn too fast, rolled his car into a forest. He’d taken a tree through the chest. He showed me the picture: on the stretcher looking like it grew FROM him, massive and jagged. Holding the blood in.
**verse 2**
That day Robert taught his teacher something she didn’t know: that phantom “pain” was an umbrella term. For each amputee, it’s different. For him, it was phantom itching. God, that must be the worst, I thought. The ultimate itch that can’t be scratched, and no one can really see it but you.
I had all my limbs, but Robert’s story gave me the words I’d lacked to explain heartache – a tired subject – in a new way. I, too, knew what it felt like to long for something long gone, severed when it was once a part of you, to feel the nerves of a thing invisible to everyone else, but maybe pain had never been the right word, exactly. In my case, it was also more of an involuntary donor transplant. His heart … my heart … had been given to someone new.
**re-given I hear … **
It took me almost a decade to record the definitive version. I bumped it from an ilyAIMY CD at the last minute back in 2009, replacing it with another track I was connecting with more at the time, the original, acoustic version of “Ask For Me.”
And then, remember that guy from Clear and I Don’t Know What I Want? Yeah … same guy. He came back and made the song true again, and finally I knew exactly how I wanted it to sound: as if Alice in Chains covered Jeffery Foucault’s “I Dream An Old Lover.” We threw a huge ghost delay on the banjo for obvious reasons. And we got that “Rooster”-esque grind and drag in the percussion:
**instrumental section after first chorus**
“Phantom” has stayed relevant and consistently one of the most popular songs in my catalog because I built what is yet another tired break up song on the foundation of someone else’s powerful story. The metaphor implies all kinds of devastating losses. Because Robert told me his story, “Phantom” gets to be bigger than he or I, a song about ALL loss and lingering sensation: the loss of limb, the departure of a partner, the death of a child.
We can’t always grow back what we’ve lost, but we can share our stories, shed our shame, admit to all the things we still have to learn … and most importantly … listen to someone, something other than our one-track hearts.
Recovering reporter turned songwriter, Heather Aubrey Lloyd also co-fronts Baltimore’s ilyAIMY. Her 2017 solo release, “A
Message in the Mess,” spotlights Lloyd’s emotive alto and a polished departure from her band’s alt-folk grit. Awards from the likes of No Depression Magazine, Telluride Troubadour, National Women’s Music Fest, etc. soon followed. Lloyd will release new music in late 2020....more
supported by 14 fans who also own “Mess Countdown Ep. 10 Phantom”
Incredible blend of styles into something totally unique. Heather's voice is one-in-a-million. Not generally a fan of live recordings but this is top notch sound. I'm an audiophile w/ over 2,500 recordings and this is as good as it gets - Rain at The Refuge Rain
supported by 10 fans who also own “Mess Countdown Ep. 10 Phantom”
A perfect companion album to Myxomatosis Took Its Toll, this album features mostly studio recorded tracks for those who prefer that style. This album also features Thunderstorm which is a clever re-name of their song Storm with the addition of electric guitar. A solid pick for any ilyAIMY fan. celerylive
The second EP from Northern Irish singer-songwriter Bea Stewart runs from gentle folk to pillowy pop ballads, all perfectly executed. Bandcamp New & Notable Apr 15, 2024
Michelle Stodart’s folk music captures hope in melancholy, addressing the transformational aspects of the most challenging times. Bandcamp New & Notable Oct 3, 2023
supported by 9 fans who also own “Mess Countdown Ep. 10 Phantom”
The quintessential ilyAIMY experience of the mid-2000's, this album travelled with me from Highschool to College. It's my go-to when introducing someone fresh to ilyAIMY for the first time. The live cuts of their songs allow their banter between the chords to shine through and with the song intros on top of that, it makes for the most immersive ilyAIMY experience. celerylive